


Crazed And Calm With A Sinner's Psalm

by FoolsgoldFenrir



Category: Team Fortress 2
Genre: Ass to Mouth, BLU's coffee sucks ass, Blow Jobs, Consensual Kink, Coprophagia, Coprophillia, Dirty Anal, Dirty Blowjob, Don't worry it only happens once briefly, Drunken Confessions, Embarrassment, Felching, Fluff and Smut, Glass boot full o' piss, Golden shower, Hand Jobs, Handcuffs, Light Bondage, M/M, Making Out, Nipple Play, Orgasm Control, Orgasm Delay/Denial, Rimming, Scat, Self-Hatred, Sexual Humor, Sinful Second Chapter, Spreader Bars, Strip Tease, That's what happens when you get too drunk, Tie Kink, Urophagia, Vomiting, Watersports, Wholesome First Chapter, with some fluff too
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-27
Updated: 2020-11-27
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:33:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 20,560
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27735379
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FoolsgoldFenrir/pseuds/FoolsgoldFenrir
Summary: During a night out at a bar to celebrate BLU's victory, Sniper gets utterly shitfaced by himself at a bar and admits a secret to a perceived stranger. A much-needed talk and an understanding is had the next day. Then he and a special someone get shitfaced in a much more literal sense, yet somehow things manage to stay kind of sweet in a filthy sort of way.First chapter is where most of the fluff resides with the two understanding each other with a kindhearted talk or two. Second chapter is still somewhat wholesome but it's also where all the sin takes place.(WARNING: As the tags imply, this fic contains scat! If you're grossed out by that stuff then I advise you to think twice before clicking! But if you want to click anyway, well who am I to stop you, dear reader?)
Relationships: BLU Medic/BLU Sniper, Medic/Sniper (Team Fortress 2)
Comments: 14
Kudos: 11
Collections: Toilet of Our Own (scat watersports musk etc.)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey hey hey, hello hello hello! Glad to see you all again, this is in fact what made me take so damn long to post another fic. Well, that and because I ended up also taking on two other projects along the way, which will hopefully be posted soon. One is a multichapter one where I'll start off by posting two chapters (the first one is currently done and I'm... I guess halfway done with the second one?) and the other is a one-shot. Both are an experiment of sorts to try something new, kinda like how this is. Schokolade got a lot of love, well I think so anyway, and I'm rather proud of it, so I figured, why not do it again but a little bit differently?
> 
> Yeah, I'll admit I'm partial to Medic/Sniper. I mean, they're my two favorite characters in TF2 so it only makes sense to pair them up, eh? Might do more Bush Medicine/Urine Sample (yes I've seen the pairing be referred to as "Urine Sample" before, I shit you not, it's great) stuff in the future, but perhaps considerably tamer than this.
> 
> To the TF2 fandom, I see your already popular piss fetishist Sniper and raise you scat fetishist Sniper. With Medic to join in the fun as the perfect candidate. Hey, if we're gonna go with the idea that Sniper is into watersports, then it's really not that much of a stretch to claim he'd also be interested in hardsports/scat. I'm definitely going to Hell so I might as well go there while being able to claim to be the first one (to my knowledge) to write this. Not the first one to create TF2 scat content, but the first one to lay out the following scenario you'll read about with these specific TF2 characters. Well according to my search through the tags of Ao3 and around the fanfic section of TF2chan anyway, maybe there's a story whose existence still eludes me. Regardless, I hope you have a nice stay. Even if you don't enjoy it, at least you'll potentially have some cringe to laugh about and go "eww wtf" to in private with your friends. If either of those happen, then I'll consider that a job well done. Adios, my fellow fanfic connoisseurs.

Tonight was a good night for the BLUs, who had won the battle for the day, only losing one round out of five. Considering how ruthlessly the REDs fought against them, that was an insanely good outcome. Celebration was in the air, morale was high, and it smelled like team spirit. And since there would be a ceasefire tomorrow, they decided that the best way to celebrate was to go out for some drinks at a local bar and get totally shitfaced, as opposed to drinking in the basement like they usually did after winning. Usually the only times BLU was allowed to leave the base other than for holiday leave was during or right before a ceasefire. That way the chance of bringing in bad publicity if any of them pulled off a stunt would be minimized, especially since stunts were pretty much bound to be pulled when it came to the mercs of Teufort.

Mugs full of frothy beer, glasses of champagne and whiskey, and a bottle of vodtequilla clinked together. A toast was made to another sweet victory by the now casually dressed team (aside from Spy who still wore his suit and balaclava) before promptly downing their drinks. As time went on, things were still going relatively good.

Heavy and Soldier were arm wrestling, and although Soldier had lost each round he kept asking for a rematch until his arm broke. Which he reacted to by calling it a good game. Either he was too drunk to care or his abnormally high threshold for pain allowed him to shrug it off. Probably both. Plus, he got a free extra drink on behalf of Heavy as an apology.

Engineer was telling Pyro about the time he got a high school bully that took to calling him "jizz breath" off his back by making up a rumor that the bully was only calling him that because he'd sucked him off and in the process got jizz on his breath. Engie specified that he also told people that said bully's cock was only two inches at most and he'd accidentally called out his mother's name. It made him one of the least popular kids in school but it was worth it because the bully fell down even further on the social ladder and was still called 'momma's boy' to this day according to Bee Cave gossip provided by his momma over the phone. Pyro wasn't sure whether to be impressed or afraid of the lengths Engie was willing to go to enact revenge after being spited.

Scout was trying his luck with flirting, and surprisingly enough managed to get hooked up with a girl that had clearly been dragged to the bar by her friends. Well, his achievement was kind of overshadowed by Spy who had managed to seduce three at the same time and was currently heading out for a foursome in a hotel typically considered by others to be too high-quality for a one night stand. But that didn't matter to Scout because he was still gonna get his pole smoked in a bathroom stall.

Demoman had gotten into a bar fight with two other patrons and was clearly winning, even having fun. That was still considered to be going well by their standards because nobody had died, not yet anyway. One could never be too careful when in a fight with a drunken Scot like him, after all. One of the patrons escaped the brawl and instead got into a shouting match with Medic over whether or not Mozart had a scat fetish according to the letters the composer sent in his time (he did).

Meanwhile, Sniper was far away from the commotion, lounging at a table where outdoor dining was set up at the back of the building. It was empty due to the cold weather, but he didn't mind drinking himself into a stupor, alone with his thoughts. He was in his element, in fact, and similarly to the girl that Scout had hooked up with, he was only here in the first place since he was dragged there by everyone else in the group. Oh well, it was nice drinking something other than roo brew for a change, now cradling his fourth and now half-empty bottle of brandy. His alone time was interrupted when someone else walked by and asked if the seat across from him was taken.

Sniper gave the stranger a quizzical look and pondered whether or not he wanted their company. Well, technically it wasn't actually a stranger. It was Medic that stood there, wearing a light blue button-down vest that was typically hidden by his white coat during work. He held a boot-shaped glass of beer and took a sip from it as he waited for an answer. Eventually he got a yes for an answer, and so he sat down and placed the glass on the table. It would be worthy to note by now that Sniper didn't hold his liquor very well and was beyond piss drunk, while Medic was used to stronger beer in his hometown and home country and was just tipsy.

"Sooo… wot brings ye all the way over 'ere? 'Aven't ye got any friends t' mingle with?” Sniper asked, words slurred and mixed with his accent but somehow still intelligible.

“Vell, I could ask you zhe same. I came to join you. Vhy are you all zhe vay out here?"

"Come t' think of it, why're any o' us here? Just needed a break from all th' ruckus goin' on inside though. Noice an' peaceful out here."

"Sure is, und same here. I deal vith chaos und ear-bleeding levels of noise every single day, so it is nice to get away from it for a change." Medic took a small sip of his beer.

"As do oi. Say, ye remind me of someone but not exactly. Wot's yer name?"

Medic raised his eyebrows confusedly and put the glass down. "Huh? It's me, mein Liebling."

"Now 'old on a second. Ye remind me of someone, yer pretty hot too oi'll give you that, but I'm already taken. He calls me Liebling too, god I love that nickname…"

"...Was meinst du?" Medic cocked his head to the side. He knew that when Sniper got hammered, he really got  _ hammered.  _ Even more so than Demoman sometimes. Yet since when did that make him not recognize his friends, let alone the doctor, his lover? "Nein, I  _ am  _ him."

"Naw naw, 'e's a doctor. Got a flowing white coat wit a blue tint that makes 'im look loik a dove. Which fits cos he really loves them pretty lil' birdies. An' thick blue rubber gloves ye could spot a mile away. An' he's got a cute lil’ curl in his hair that’s startin’ to grey a bit, an’ spectacles that rest on his nose, and a big chin, and he's got a real big nose lemme tell ye, but you know wot they say about men with big noses…  _ it's true too."  _ Sniper chuckled in a hearty, boozy manner and gave an unsubtle wink that made Medic blush.

He ran a hand through his hair self-consciously, wondering where the supposed greying was. “...Yes, I suppose zhat is indeed zhe case, Mundy. Although I zhought zhat comparison vas more so associated vith big hands.” Medic’s face heated up even more once those words left his mouth.

“He’s got big hands too. An’ how d’ye know moi last name?”

“Because I am your lover, und you told me your real name vhen I told you mine.”

“I already told you, oi’m taken.” Sniper narrowed his eyes at the perceived stranger, eyes already struggling to stay open anyhow. He took another swig from the bottle and topped it off with a satisfying belch, the tip of his tongue poking out from between his lips as he recovered.

“Hm. I suppose it is zhe vest throwing you off. Zhen vould you be okay if I accompany you as ein Freund von dir?”

Mr. Mundy was always an enigma, but especially when he was drunk. Apparently while drunk, he failed to recognize someone he had been intimately close with for nearly three years now, but at the same time remembered some of the Germanic tongue said someone had taught him. “Yeh, I guess I could use a friend. Say, as a friend… could ye maybe, er… keep a-” He sipped some more brandy while trying to mask his nervousness and called for a waiter that was passing by, asking for another bottle. He then took a long drink from the new bottle, slamming it on the table and pausing for a moment to pick up his swaying head. “From one stranger an’ temporary friend t’ another, could ye keep a secret?”

Now the doctor's interest was piqued. He took a small sip before putting the boot glass down and folding his hands out front on the table. With a raised eyebrow, he gave a sharp grin that looked more wolfish than he was hoping for. "Of course. Vhat is on your mind?"

"I-" Sniper's throat went dry, and not even drinking helped the feeling go away. He tried again and all that came out was a soundless croak. Medic waited patiently, not moving a muscle and looking him over casually. "Ye know the doctor oi told ye about? There's… somethin' oi want… f-from him. To try wit 'im."

Oh? Now that this directly involved him, Medic's interest rose further. If Sniper was already this fidgety about whatever this secret entailed, he could only wonder how he would be acting had he been sober right around now. "Go on. Vhat is it zhat you vant from him?"

Inebriation made the marksman much more bold, though he still found it difficult to get to the point. The passive yet curious expression Medic wore was what finally encouraged him to go through with opening up. "A- i-it's a kink. An' lemme tell ye, oi've gotten pretty lucky in that regard with him before. He's into some freaky stuff, heh. But this one's…"

"Vhat about zhis von?"

"...Different." Sniper gulped, hands clutching to the table as if it might fly away at a moment's notice.

_ "Different, hmm?"  _ Medic thought back to the wide variety of different kinks he and Sniper have tried together in the time they knew each other biblically, which was rather close to the amount of time they knew each other in general. "How so?"

"It's… it's a little bit extreme, to be honest. Well to be more honest, it's actually  _ really  _ extreme. On the far end of the spectrum of weirdness. Oi'm a fuckin' weirdo, throwin' that out there. I mean ye already know that, who admits this kind o' rubbish to a complete stranger? Well oi do, oi guess. Cos oi'm a bloody weirdo-" Sniper rambled on until he was interrupted by a raised hand signal.

"Ach, please. I have seen and done many zhings zhat could fall into zhe category of extreme."

"Not loik this ye probably haven't."

"Try me, I dare you."

In his experience, it was always Sniper that was more straightforward about introducing new suggestions for things to try, and Medic often saw eye to eye. He fondly recalled the time the assassin quietly passed him a pair of soft cotton panties with a red and white stripe pattern and asked what he thought about either of them wearing them the next time they shagged. Apparently Scout found a torn-out catalogue page that listed the pair for sale, stole it from Soldier's room, and got chased all around the track by the burly and properly pissed rocketman. It was only when Spy appeared out of nowhere and tripped Scout to send him sprawling face-forward that Soldier managed to finally catch up and recover it. Sniper had witnessed the spectacle from outside his van and could see the information provided on the page through his scope.

There were some kinks that they each had that weren't of a mutual interest but they indulged for each other regardless. For example, Medic never had a thing for fisting and still didn't, but seeing how far he could fit his whole hand inside Sniper had indeed been an interesting experiment. And while Sniper initially made his squeamishness clear when Medic asked him to sate the doctor's masochistic urges with a little bit of booted ballbusting, he went through with it on the condition that he be taught how to operate the medigun and have it kept within reach the entire time. They both believed that they could try just about anything once.

So all things considered, what on Earth would Sniper consider to be too much of a risk for him to just pull him aside while sober and ask about it? Was he about to finally admit to having a piss kink? He always just denied it every single time it was so much as mentioned in passing. Poor bloke probably genuinely thought nobody knew he had one, despite how obvious the clues pointing to it were and the jokes the others at the base made. But no matter, Medic would still do his best to listen and support him throughout the confession and then afterwards once he told him what he admitted to the next morning.

But it wasn't that, and when Sniper's eyes darted back and forth in case any passersby were around, then leaned forward and whispered in his ear louder than he likely intended to, it threw him for a loop.

_ "I want to try scat play with him." _

Medic’s eyes widened and his lips pursed, barely suppressing the gasp he wanted to let out. Yet he feared that doing so would send off the wrong message while his companion was in a vulnerable state. The previously casual environment was taken over by an uncomfortable silence as they stared at each other, neither one moving a muscle. That is, until Medic remembered how to speak again and had finished processing what he had just been told.

“You do? So vhy don’t you just ask him?” He asked, the thin line his lips had become splitting open into a faint smile.

“Ask him? How on God’s green Earth am I supposed t’ go up to moi lover an’ go,  _ ‘oi mate, can ye do me a favor and take a big ol’ crap on me chest?’ _ He’d go an’ warn everyone about how much of a degenerate oi am, wouldn’t ever want anythin’ to do wit me ever again, m-maybe think oi’m assuming things about him cos o’ that damn stereotype. Hell oi wouldn’t blame ‘im if he tried to get himself transferred to our enemies’ side or even just quit the job altogether just to avoid me disgustin’ arse!”

“Now vhat makes you zhink any of zhat is true in zhe slightest?” Medic replied, reeling back. He couldn’t hide the offended tone that had seeped into his voice thanks to the mere suggestion that he would do such a thing or react in such a way. Thankfully, Sniper didn’t seem to notice it. While his sense of right and wrong was... skewed to say the least, he at least had a sense of right and  _ too wrong.  _ And what his partner had the audacity to claim about him fit right in with the latter.

“‘Cos oi doubt he’s into that sort o’ tomfuckery. He always insists on keepin' everything as polished as possible, hates when anything is unsanitary. Which makes me wonder how he puts up with me at all. But 'at's the most unsanitary one could get! God, oi really am a no good dirty  _ bogan."  _ Sniper let out a sob at the last word and tried to drown it out with a swig of brandy. He slammed the bottle back down and slumped over on the table, letting out several smaller sobs and slamming his fist down on the wooden surface.

This was wildly different from the way Medic or anyone else for that matter usually saw Sniper act. While sober, he was a quiet man who didn't like to talk if he could help it. When he did talk, he was often soft-spoken. Unless he was insulting someone or arguing with them, or otherwise feeling an intense burst of emotions, in which case he could be quite loud. Like a crocodile, he spent most of his time quietly lurking in the shadows but had a thunderous bellow. And when he was drunk, there was no quiet lurking, only the emotions he now wore on his sleeve, all expressed with thunderous bellowing.

That was why Sniper typically didn't like getting drunk around others, it was too easy for him to do something he could seriously regret. At least when he was alone and drunk, he would just stay in one spot and talk to himself, usually while laughing too hard at something on TV that he otherwise wouldn't have found to be nearly as funny.

Medic frowned, watching the display concernedly and polishing off the rest of his drink. He reached out a hand toward Sniper's and gave it a soft squeeze in an effort to comfort him. "You are not a bogan. Nothing could ever make me- err,  _ him  _ think zhat of you, I am sure." He spoke softly, his voice coming out slightly whistly.

“How can you be so sure? Ye don’t even know th’ guy.”

“Listen, just… just take a chance, zhat is my advice to you. You’ll never know vhat you’ll be missing out on if you never try. He might be able to understand. Who knows, he might even be able to sympathize.” Medic winked at the end, but Sniper was too unfocused to notice it. He tried to stand up but wobbled, nearly falling down and clearly nauseous.

The doctor held him up by the wall with one arm and tilted his head so that he wouldn’t get his clothes dirty.  _ “Shh shh shh, it happens to everyvon. Let it all out…”  _ He cooed over and over again until Sniper was done upchucking on the brick wall. He grimaced, but it wasn’t like he had never done the same before. He remembered many times where one of his other teammates would hold him up while he was busy vomiting up $50 worth of cheap booze, or sometimes something much stronger that was too much for even him to handle. He had seen much more gruesome and grody sights on a daily basis during his career both before and during his time in the Gravel Wars, anyway.

Once the assassin had finally finished, he was even more unfocused and so he didn’t fuss when the perceived stranger led him back to the van with one arm and swiped the boot-shaped glass for himself with the other. They had a lot to discuss in the morning, so it was for the best that they got back to the base early. Soldier was leaning outside near the van and Engineer’s truck with a lit cigar held between his lips. Unsurprisingly, he was covered in bruises and had a broken arm wrapped around in a swing he had acquired through mysterious means. He was presumably waiting for someone else to come around so that he could leave. He was the only mercenary other than Scout that didn’t have a driver’s license.

“I take it you wish for a ride home as vell?” Medic asked the war enthusiast.

“Affirmative.” Soldier replied and spat the cigar out into a nearby trash bin. He helped Medic bring the now asleep Sniper into the back of the van and laid him out on the mattress before taking the passenger’s seat and uttering a thanks.

* * *

_ "He's still not waking up, doc. Are you sure he isn’t dead?" _

_ "Respawn works und his chest is moving. Just give him some time, he has had a rough night." _

_ "Oh really? Just how rough did you get with him last night?" _

_ "Soldat, I am a man vith a loose sense of morality, but I am not vile enough to take advantage of someone much more intoxicated zhan I am. Nein, it is just a hangover. Ve all know Herr Sniper is worse at holding his liquor zhan even Scout." _

_ "I know it is a ceasefire, but I will not allow him to sleep all day! So if he does not wake up on his own this instant, I'm pulling out the trumpet!" _

_ "You mean zhe trombone? It is a trombone you use to wake us all up, usually." _

_ "Yes, that. And since I allowed him to crash in my room for the night, he is under my rules! My rules are that still being asleep at this hour is unacceptable!" _

_ "It is unwise to startle a person vith loud noises in close proximity while zhey are szhleeping. Zhat is probably vhy we usually lose battles against RED… we could just drink coffee instead." _

_ “Nonsense! Noise works much better than that crap this place dares to call coffee! I don’t know how either of you can stomach it! Now step back, I’m about to play a little tune!” _

Sniper had been trying to wake up for the past few minutes and was aware enough to have heard the exchange, but was only aware enough of what exactly was going on right at the last second. He just barely cracked open his eyelids enough to witness Medic rolling his eyes before the bell side of a trombone was thrust into his face. Soldier towered over him, instrument in hand, and played a note loud and sudden enough to make the marksman jump 10 feet into the air with a yowl of fright. His shaking form clung upside down with both his arms and legs to one of the ceiling beams, eyes widened into pinpricks and teeth bared in a sharp-toothed snarl. With how messy his clothes and bed hair was, he looked a lot like an angry puffed-up cat.

“W-WOT THE B-B-BLOODY ‘ELL WOSSAT FOR?!” Sniper hissed, his normally deep voice now just as shaky as his body. 

“It is ten-oh-five in the morning, maggot! When you are in my room, you are under my rules. Since you were out cold from getting piss drunk last night, I let you sleep in here because it was the closest room you could get to.” Soldier put his trombone away in a corner while Medic took off his boots to stand on the bed and pull Sniper down from the ceiling. “I actually let you sleep longer than I should have, to be quite honest.” The American added with a shrug.

“Oh. Err, thank you. Both of you.” Sniper sheepishly mumbled and sat down on the bed next to Medic, rubbing at his sore eyes and making them even sorer. The dull throb of a headache and morning sickness started to set in despite the terror he had initially been forced out of dreamland with. “Didn’t ‘ave to play that loudly though, I ain’t dead. Ye know ‘ow I get when oi’m drunk. Dunno wot even happened last noight.”

“How about ve discuss it over at zhe medical bay? Zhere is much more privacy, it is quite interesting actually.” Medic suggested only to Sniper, but Soldier butted in regardless.

“If it’s as interesting as you say, then I’m curious too.”

“Vith all due respect, Herr Soldat, zhis is a private matter between us two.”

“So you really  _ did  _ pork each other last night, didn’t you?” Soldier accused and crossed his arms.

“Nein, I already told you, vhen it comes to drunk people, I have standards.” Medic answered the accusation in an exasperated tone.

“Oi don’t reckon we did, probably wouldn’t be able t’ walk proper roight now if that happened.” Sniper interjected, standing up and pacing back and forth to demonstrate. He walked just fine for the most part, albeit with a little stagger to his gait from the hangover and a rude awakening.

“Alright then, you two head on your way but I’d better see you two alongside everybody else at the training grounds by ten-thirty  _ sharp!  _ Plenty of time to sober up and have your mushy little talk.”

“No worries, mate.” Sniper stopped pacing and picked up his hat that he just now noticed was hanging from one of the bedposts.

With a tip of the brim of Sniper’s slouch hat and an “auf wiedersehen” from Medic, the two support classes bid their farewell.

* * *

Now within the privacy of the medical bay, the two of them got comfortable. Well, as comfortable as they could with Sniper laying on the hard leather seat and Medic sitting by the foot of it.

"So, wot 'appened when oi hit the piss too hard last night?"

"Aheh, funny you should mention piss…" Medic started, and a look of concern immediately flashed upon Sniper's face. "Vait a second, don't vorry. Everyzhing is okay, schatz. You didn’t get into any piss-related shenanigans, if zhat is vhat you zhought I vas implying."

Sniper relaxed when a hand was placed comfortingly on his shoulder, but only a little bit. "That's a relief. But still, what happened?"

"Last night vas actually kind of strange. Not like zhe hats or weapons ve sometimes find in crates. For von zhing, you somehow didn't recognize me und zhought I vas a stranger, but still remembered who  _ I  _ am and said you vere taken. Strange, but at zhe same time oddly reassuring und schweet. You are a very faithful man."

“Huh, whaddya know. Oi’m tryin’ to think back an’ I kind of remember someone that looked pretty similar to you.”

“It vas zhe vest zhat threw you off, wasn’t it?” Medic chuckled, unbuttoning his coat and revealing the same blue vest he wore that night.

Sniper sat up for a better look. “Knowin’ how bloody stupid I get when oi’m all boozed up, probably. Ye know, oi don’t see you in it often enough. You look damn roight dashin’ in it.”   
  
“I figured as such, given zhat you usually only see me either fully clothed or just as fully naked as you are at zhe time. Aside from kink items meant to enhance zhe experience, of course.” Medic raised his eyebrows and gave Sniper a sly grin while leaning against him. He rested his chin on Mundy’s shoulder while his right arm rested on the other one, left arm resting instead on his lap.

That was a move Sniper was intimately familiar with, and he blushed while his front teeth worried at his bottom lip. “We can’t go at it now, doc. Solly’s gonna kill us if we’re a millisecond late fer our weekend training course, and even more so if he walks in on us and finds out that was why we were late.”

“Hmm, zhis is an interesting observation. A classic case of classical conditioning, in which I don’t even have to say anything to seduce you.” Medic moved back to his original spot, giving the Aussie some space. “However, zhat is not vhat I want right now. See, I didn’t bring us over here just to tell you zhat you mistook me for a stranger outside a pub.”

“Then wot else is goin’ on? Are the coppers after us? Did we commit any crimes in public?”

“Nein, no crimes vere committed yesterday. Well I don’t know for sure about Herr Demoman, he got into yet another bar brawl. I left before I could witness him laying waste to zhe establishment or its patrons, so I don’t know.” Medic took a deep breath and exhaled, trying to rid his stomach of the butterflies that fluttered around. It would be best to rip off the band-aid sooner rather than later, get all the discomfort and embarrassment Sniper would inevitably feel out of the way before it could build up too much. “Aheh, speaking of waste...”

“Medic, why ‘ave you got to go all cryptic on me? We don’t have much time for this, just give it to me straight!” Sniper threw his hands out in a dramatic flair. He was unsure where this was going, but wherever it was, he wasn’t sure whether he was going to like it or not.

“Oh please, you and I both know full well zhat I cannot give anyzhing  _ ‘straight’  _ to you.” The German chuckled at his own joke and smiled when he heard a small chuckle from Sniper as well.

“Maybe not, but if oi did somethin’ really embarrassin', oi’d rather know now in case I’ve got to fix anything. Oi’m tryin’ to remember it, but oi’m blanking after the part where I thought a stranger was comin’ on to me."

“You don’t need to fix anyzhing, nothing is wrong. Like I said, everyzhing is und vill be okay. It may be a little bit embarrassing on your end, zhough. You vill still be very glad I brought us in here to discuss it.”

Sniper gulped, now more uneasy than he got when one of his supposed “teammates” acted too suspiciously during a battle for him to let go. He had always been paranoid of spies ever since he joined Builders League United, and that paranoia had been building up more and more with every backstab or revolver gunshot he suffered. Right now, the paranoia he was feeling had nothing to do with spies. Well okay, maybe he was somewhat worried that Spy also knew what it was he did or that he could be listening to them right at this very moment. He took a moment to look anxiously around the room, trying to spot a colored shimmer or oddly placed item he could be disguised as. The mere existence of either Spy made his hackles rise. Even, no,  _ especially _ his own team’s Spy since seeing him sneak around the base would not be out of the ordinary enough to catch him doing anything suspicious before it was too late.

“Ve are alone, I am sure of it. I know zhis place like zhe back of mein hand, I would know if anyvon vas lurking around.” Medic reassured him, taking the time to do a quick spycheck as well to reassure himself.

“Alright then, stop stalling an’ just tell me wot this is all about.”

“Vhen I said  _ ‘funny zhat you mention piss’,  _ I said zhat because of a pattern I’ve noticed vith individuals zhat are interested in sexual activities involving it. Vhen zhere is an interest in von kink relating to waste, chances are it is possible for another to be included as… vhat is it zhe youngsters say zhese days? A package deal.”

“Now ‘old on just a sec. When did oi ever say anythin’ about kinks relatin’ to waste? When did we ever say anythin’ about waste?!” The supposed professional with standards was now even more confused and paranoid, wanting to turn his head away but unable to keep his eyes locked on the face of the man he loved. The dawning realization made him regret prodding the man of science for an explanation.

“Yesterday night, you said zhat you vere into scat.” Medic answered bluntly. “I vas wondering if you vere into watersports as vell, considering not just your tendency to use jarate but zhe connection I have just made.”

Just like yesterday, a pregnant moment seized the atmosphere and silenced them for a long, uncomfortable timet. The silence was broken by little, quiet  _ ‘no’s  _ whispered under Sniper’s breath that steadily grew louder and more desperate. For the second time in a span of just a couple of minutes, he leapt in the air. Except this time, instead of getting stuck to the ceiling he jumped down to the floor and sprinted out of the room down the halls, the doors of the medical bay swinging in his wake.

“Headin’ to training early like me, Stretch? Smart move.” Engineer commented upon spotting him in the same hallway. He held several toolboxes meant to contain his battle-oriented creations in his arms.

_ “No, no, no NO, NO, NO, NO-”  _ Sniper chanted his maddened mantra, zooming past the Texan and nearly knocking him over.

Luckily, Engie had good balance and managed to catch his footing as well as the toolboxes on time, only wobbling slightly as he stood his ground. “Huh…” He went. If he could, he would have scratched his head, or rather the hardhat he wore.

Medic sped past even faster, again nearly knocking Engie over but not doing so. Sniper was not the fastest runner by any margin, really only just as fast as Engineer and Pyro and easily winded. He was used to either staying still in one spot on the battlefield or sneaking around to find that spot, so it wasn't like he needed much energy to spare for running anyhow. Meanwhile, Medic once had a stunt as a marathon runner and had enough persistence to make getting chased by him a terrifying experience for anyone on the enemy team. In fact, he was only outpaced by the speed demon known as Scout. Given his role on the field, he was always on the move and constantly exercised his running ability. Like a cheetah he sprang forward, pouncing and wrapping his arms to trap Sniper in his clutches before he was even close to the end of the hall. Arms wrapped around the bushman’s torso and holding him close even as he struggled, he pulled him back to the medical bay without so much as breaking a sweat.

“Any idea what just happened, doc?” Engie inquired, eyes squinted behind his goggles.

“It is nothing to worry about, I assure you.” Medic dismissed before disappearing behind the swinging doors and plopping Sniper back onto the leather chair.

“Are ye fer bloody real, mate? Yer gonna torture me now?” Sniper covered his face with his hands, hiding the redness that seeped within it.

"I should be asking you zhe same. You just ran out of the room, as if you were Scout und I vas about to give you a flu shot. Please, do try to be mature about zhis."

“Just geddit over with then... oi’m done denyin’ it.”

"Done denying vhat? Zhis isn't to torture you, if I vanted to torture somevon I vould vait until we go fight zhe REDs again, because I’d get paid for it.” Medic received a nod and a shrug in response as a nonverbal  _ ‘yeah pretty much.’  _ “All I ask is for you to come clean to me. About whether or not vhat you said yesterday was true, und if the connection I made vas correct."

Sniper's eyes darted around the room looking for an escape, even though he had just attempted one and failed. Medic might have had almost two decades on him, but the geezer was so much faster and more agile than he himself could ever hope to be. No wonder the REDs tended to give the BLU Medic a wide berth whenever his plans changed from healing his team to directly attacking his enemies. With a sigh, he slumped his shoulders and hung his head low, not wanting to look at him, figuring he’d catch a disappointed look.

“All I vant is for you to stop acting like _ein_ _Kind_ und be honest vith me. Zhat is vhat a healthy relationship is based upon, is it not? Ve have always been honest vith each ozher.” Medic held up his chin with a finger, trying to get the gunman to look at him.

“Yeh… yeh it is, an’ yeh we have. Yer roight then. Oi like wasteplay, both kinds. So just give me yer loudest yikes, oi deserve it.” Sniper muttered, expecting a grimace or worse. Instead, what he got was, of all things, a smile. That made him pull away slightly so that he could get a better look. Turns out it wasn’t just his mind playing a trick, like a desert straggler hallucinating an oasis. “...Why are ye smilin’?”

“Because I am glad zhat you meant every vord of last night, und I am glad zhat you can admit it to me while sober. Now I know for sure. Vell, I mean your urophillia vas already obvious, but-"

"Wait, 'old on. Uro… oi, yer talkin' about the piss thing,  _ ain't ye?" _ Sniper folded his arms over his chest and grunted in disbelief. "Wot d'ya mean it wos obvious?"

"You  _ do  _ keep it in jars und throw zhem at people, und talk about piss very often. Also, every so often I manage to catch a whiff of it on your breath."

"Oi-" The Aussie's words got choked up in his throat and his face reddened with embarrassment. "God, an' now oi gotta wonder who  _ else  _ knows about that…"

"If it is of any consolation, mein Liebling, you are not alone in zhat regard."

An eyebrow was raised at that remark. "Wot are ye goin' on about now?"

"Vell, Herr Spy may know all zhere is to know about uncovering secrets, yet he doesn't know zhat I have uncovered von of his. He does not mind being jarate'd by zhe enemy Sniper nearly as much as the way he acts like he hates it more zhan getting set on fire vould make us believe. He is simply trying much too hard."

Sniper damn well nearly choked on his spit right then and there. "Th-th  _ Spy?  _ But fancy-pants thinks 'at anyone that doesn't marinate themselves in hundred-dollar cologne smells loik a truck stop!"

"As they say, all zhat glitters is not gold. Not zhe literal kind, zhat is. Metaphorical liquid gold, however? Most definitely."

"...Huh. And wot about, er… you know…"

"Scat? As far as I know, nein. He might just be hiding it very well, zhough, like you did until last night." Medic waved his hand dismissively and pretended not to notice Sniper getting a little miffed, probably from being compared to Spy. "It does make me wonder vhezer or not Scout's mozzer knew. She probably did, probably indulged him too."

Then, in a husky but still high-pitched voice that sent shivers down Sniper's spine and a pang to his groin, he added,  _ "Just like how I am willing to indulge you." _

It was then that Sniper remembered something else from the night before. It wasn’t much, really just one thing the “stranger” had said to him. One thing that had flown over his boozed-up head but now made too much sense. “Oi just remembered somethin’ else from last noight. The str- you said that you would understand, might even be able t’ sympathize. Does that mean…?” He trailed off, crooking an eyebrow.

“If you are implying vhat I zhink you are implying, zhen ja. We share a common interest.” Medic smiled wider, the fluorescent lighting of the medical bay making his teeth appear just as sharp as Sniper’s teeth actually were. That grin still intimidated Sniper to this day, but it also turned him on enough to make him half hard. His eyes shone with a mischievous glint as he added on to his admission. “Or two.”

Sniper chewed on the bottom of his lip, deep in thought as he mulled over the admission. He drew blood but didn't care too much, just licking it away as he prepared to respond. "But you keep everything clean an' ye don't like anythin' unsanitary."

"I might have a habit of sterilizing zhings very often, ja, but looks can be deceiving."

"So, we could’ve been indulgin' each other? Why didn't ye say so earlier?"

“I… I suppose zhe same reasons you didn’t.” Medic lost the mischievous glint in his eye as he answered the question imposed on him with more honesty than even he expected to. At first, he thought this talk would just be to console his partner, but now he felt the need to open up as well. 

“In times like zhese, we cannot even be open about loving each other zhe same way a man and a woman can, not outside zhe base anyvay." He continued. Their own teammates held no ill will against them for their attractions, hell some of them could even relate. For example, it was no secret that Soldier and Spy were cozying up to each other, no matter how quiet they thought they were at night. "So, how does von in zheir right mind even go about opening up about zhis?”

“To be fair, we’re out ‘ere gettin’ paid for killin’ clones of ourselves everyday an’ take contracts every month to kill other people that don’t respawn. An’ most if not all of us ‘ave killed before gettin’ hired here. To us, murder is just a word. So are any of us out here in our right minds?” Sniper shrugged. No matter what his father said about him being a "crazed gunman" (which he wasn't, he thought, being an assassin didn’t make him crazy!) it wouldn't make him change his profession. He liked shooting things and he liked getting paid for it, so it worked out perfectly.

“Scheisse, you’re right. Still, I understand where you are coming from vith being nervous. Although, you should know zhat I vould never ridicule you for your interests. I believe zhat both of us are long past having zhe right to kinkshame." Medic added a snicker to the last part, thinking back on all the wild shenanigans the two of them got up to.

“Yeah… so, ye wanna know how oi got into  _ scheisse,  _ as you put it, in the first place?”

“Of course.” Medic’s eyes glanced over to the clock on the wall. “Ve don’t have much time, zhough.”

“It all started back at moi first year workin’ here, during a ceasefire. Oi decided to try moi luck at a nearby casino, the same one Solly, Engie, Spy an’ Heavy went to. Everyone else just went drinkin’ oi think, including you. Brought some moolah wit me an’ I was feelin’ lucky. So I decided to test moi luck by goin’ all in with a game o’ craps. Lost the game, gave ‘em half of wot oi brought but I told ‘em I was out. One o’ the guys, Saxton Hale, yeh believe it or not the bloke loiks t’ spend ‘is spare time playin’ craps apparently, saw through that bullshit.”

“Is zhat vhy you always join us in zhe basement for street craps even zhough you usually lose?”

“Oi blame th’ liquor on me losses, but yeh. Anyway, Saxton holds me down an’ oi dunno wot it was that made it sound real sensual t’ me, cos I doubt that was wot he was goin’ for, but the next thing he says made it real hard to not pop a boner roight then 'n there. He leans in roight into me face, oi can still smell kangaroo jerky and yeti steak on his stinkin’ breath. And he says to me,  _ ‘oi’m gonna show ya how we make people pay us back durin’ craps, sheila.’” _

Medic took a moment to wonder if that incident was also the reason the marksman liked being called a sheila in bed. It would certainly explain the attraction to crossdressing too.

“And at that moment, oi was scared shitless cos nobody gets into a fistfight wit Saxton Hale 'n survives the ordeal. And we’re well outta respawn range, so oi figure this is the end o’ the line fer me. But the way he worded it, suddenly oi’ve got a bunch of different fantasies swarming in me head, focusin’ on the word  _ ‘craps’  _ an’ how that would fit into getting punished.”   
  
“Sooo… did he indulge zhose fantasies?” Medic asked, now playing a fantasy of his own in his head relating to the situation. He wasn’t sure whether he would be jealous or turned on if the answer was yes. Probably both. He sure wouldn’t mind having front row tickets for a display like that, but also that should have been  _ him  _ in Saxton’s place! Surely he was a much better top than that mustachioed buffoon.

"Nah. He just picked me up an' shook me down fer the rest o' the cash oi had on me. As in, he lifted me upside down and held me by one leg. Reminded me of moi middle school years."

“Zhen I shall shake him down for zhe rest of his organs.” Medic hissed, jumping down from the leather seat and grabbing his ubersaw, encrusted with the dried blood of enemies slain long before and never washed.

“Now now, th’ guy can wrestle a full-grown tiger an’ win without too much of an effort so oi wouldn’t recommend that.” Sniper hopped off the seat as well and settled Medic’s hands down. “Besides, it was three years ago and oi make a lotta money from wot oi do here, just like the other guys. And I deserved it fer tryin’ to get out without facing the consequences o’ me actions.”

“Fine.” Medic grumbled and reluctantly put the ubersaw down with a huff.

"But yeah, they say that ye gain nothin' and lose everything with gambling, but not always. Sometimes, ye gain a kink. Or at least I did."

"Und it's a good zhing you ended up only telling me. Imagine vhat could have happened had you told an actual stranger last night."

"Ehh, to be honest oi wouldn't be too worried if that was the case. Chances are oi wouldn't ever see 'em again an' oi have no reason to give a hoot wot some random stranger thinks about me. For all oi know they could end up bein' me next target fer a contract, an' dead men tell no tales. They can't kinkshame either. It's only if it's someone oi care about… loik you."

"Ah, I wish I had zhat level of confidence-"

Right at that moment, Soldier burst through the room without a warning and slammed the wall with one of the doors. It was a good thing Medic put the weapon down when he did. If he were still holding it then chances were what happened next would have startled him enough to accidentally drop it on his foot. It had happened before and it did not bring the kind of pain he liked being in.

“Your time is UP, maggots! Get your asses out to the battlefield, it’s time for training!” He boomed, his voice loud enough to rattle some of the glass vials and beakers within the room and make the other two men in the room flinch.

  
“Ve vill be right zhere, Herr Soldat!” Medic called out before turning back to Sniper.  _ “Ve shall talk about zhis more later.”  _ He whispered, then followed Soldier out of the room. Sniper trailed behind the two of them, stomach and heart fluttering.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The chapter in which shit really goes down. Literally, that is. This is your last chance to turn back if you don't wanna see things get real gross. But if you do, then step right in and have fun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dear god this ended up getting way dirtier than even I expected it too. Definitely dirtier than Schokolade, I'll give ya that. Anyway, I think I'm gonna lay off on all the wasteplay bullshit for a bit now, 'tis getting kinda old and I wanna explore other stuff in writing. Plus it's a bit of a niche and I want to reach more people's interests, so yeah, I guess future stuff may or may not be more vanilla depending on how it goes. OF course I'm not quitting it though, hell you know what? Once enough time has gone by, I'll be back with a real banger of a dirty-ass fic with one helluva comeback.
> 
> Until then, stay fresh y'all. Peace!

Funnily enough, the BLU team had decided to spend their time winding down after dinner playing some good ol' street craps in the basement. The setup wasn't nearly as elegant as it would have been at a casino, but the cool thing about craps is that one doesn't need much to set it up. All one needed was two dice, a flat surface, and something to wager in a bet. It was a mix of cash and Pyro's cookies this time around. Several kinds of alcoholic drinks were passed around, though Medic and Sniper politely declined every time they came their way. They were really only down there playing for the sake of amusing each other with the link to their shared little secret.

"Neither o' ye laddies 'ave had a single sip ae anythin'." Demo pointed out, punctuating his statement with a swig that drained the entire bottle of Scrumpy he was holding. "Is everythin' awright teh'night?"

"Yeh, no worries mate." Sniper waved the Scot off with a smile. He smiled a little wider knowing that it would be one of the last few relatively clean smiles he would be making tonight.

"Ja, ve are simply not feeling up to it today. Yesterday night vas… very interesting, to say zhe least." Medic added in with his own passive smile. His eyes scanned the room, wondering what dirty secrets the other mercenaries kept hidden away. He also wondered if any of them knew his own dirty secrets.

"You know, something about the bushman's smile ees making me _wonder_ things about 'im." Spy remarked with a catty smile, unbroken by a sip of wine. It was half a truth and half a lie, since he knew that look when there was something Sniper was hiding but also just felt like messing with him. Getting a rise out of the stoic hunter was a favorite pastime of his, and given the way that smile had flipped upside down, it seemed to have worked.

"What kind of things, spook?" Sniper growled warily, turning away from watching Pyro throw the dice while Soldier and Engineer were making a bet - a thousand dollars and five whole cookies each.

"I don't know. Just… _things."_ Spy replied coyly and lit a cigarette, blowing a ring of smoke into the already stuffy air. "I cannot help being curious, it is simply in my nature."

"Ach, I just remembered! Herr Sniper, you _must_ come vith me at once!" Medic suddenly stood up and pulled Sniper up to his feet just as quickly, keeping a strong grip on his wrists. "You promised your _assistance_ in von of mein experiments, ve must go before it is too late to get results!"

Sniper struggled to keep up, boots clacking against the floor as the doctor hurriedly dragged him away from the scene, now being pulled by the crook of his arm. "Y-yeah, sorry 'bout that, oi almost forgot. Catch ye later, mates!" He hastily said while trying to keep up with Medic's pace up the stairs and out of the basement.

They only slowed down once they made it to the hall and began walking towards the medical bay.

"Does… does th' spook _know_ about that?" Sniper asked, gravelly voice wavering and slightly raising in pitch.

"Nein, but if ve stayed any longer he could have." Medic replied in a calmer tone than how he really felt.

"Our sudden departure was probably a lil' suspicious though, don't ye think?"

"Mayhaps, but at least we now have all zhe time in zhe world, nein?"

"...Yeh, oi guess we do. Oi was just hopin' that we could have left more calmly an' not drawn attention to ourselves."

"We vould draw attention to ourselves by leaving regardless." Medic stopped by the door of the medbay. He turned and affectionately stroked the bushman's cheek, bringing a smile out of him. "But now, zhe only attention we'll be getting is from each ozher."

"Oi s'ppose yer roight, oi'm a bit of a worrier." Sniper replied and opened the door for the doctor, following after him into the room.

"Zhat is completely understandable, ve are not exactly _normal_ in any regard. But normal ist much too boring to be worzh our time, vouldn't you agree?"

"Sure would. Oi'm goin' straight t' Hell anyway, moight as well make th' trip worth it." Sniper gave a friendly chuckle.

"Correction, _we_ are going straight to Hell. You know, I did sell mein soul to zhe Dark Prince himself after accidentally summoning him back in '43." Medic returned the jovial attitude. "Zhat is how I have zhe ability to steal an entire skeleton from a patient und still have zhem wake up as a mere meat bag. My supernatural medical abilities can make _Gotts_ out of men or steal zheir skeletons, depending on vhezer or not I like zhem. I also got a blowjob from zhe Devil from zhat deal."

"You know doc, it really goes to show how far gone oi am when that doesn't even spook me anymore." 

Truth be told, Sniper adored the fact that he was both under the power and had power over the mad scientist, and could tune into the more human side of him too. They both thought they had lost that side of each other, yet it turned out that they just needed each other to rekindle it, if only for themselves to see. As far as anybody else was concerned, they were hardened professionals married to their work. Really though, the only thing keeping them from being married to each other at this point was that it wouldn't be recognized as an official marriage. That and the fact that the war still hadn't ended yet and they had to still be on a _somewhat_ professional level with each other, of course.

“Vell, you aren’t wrong. I’m curious, mein Liebling. Vhen vas zhe last time you have had a chance to indulge your _dirty side?”_ Medic leaned in towards the marksman, his lips and teeth dangerously close to a particularly sensitive spot on his neck.

Sniper flinched and unintentionally let out a quiet moan from the feeling of hot breath on the side of his neck. “A-actually, o-oi ain’t ever done anythin’ wit scat. Only fantasized. Definitely wanna do it though now ‘at ye wanna do it with me.” His face and neck flushed redder and redder with every word that jumbled out of his lips while his tongue darted out to wet them.

Medic had caught the action and smiled, but also widened his eyes and let out a gasp upon hearing yet another admission. “You mean to tell me zhat zhis vill be your first time?" His shock was replaced by a sense of pride and excitement. "Zhen I shall be zhe one to guide you zhrough your first experience."

"And you've done this sort o' thing before?"

"Indeed I have, on multiple occasions but only vith myself. Although I once spent one of my vacation days two years ago going to Detroit for a trip to a hotel just for the bathroom there. All just to prove to myself zhat you actually _can_ have shit in Detroit." Medic chuckled. Oh what a time that was, and how much time he had to spend showering off to hide any evidence whatsoever of what had taken place.

"So that's th' business ye had to take care of? Nobody else speeds off that fast to _Detroit_ of all places."

"Ja. In fact, ironically enough it might be zhe reason my teeth are so white. I have to constantly brush mein teeth und gargle mouzvash, und floss immediately afterverds. Yes, it is zhrough proper dental hygiene zhat I can keep mein secret." He continued, lips stretching into a wide, pearly white grin to demonstrate.

"Huh. So that's why you have so much toothpaste and mouthwash stashed away."

"Ja, everyvon else zhinks I am just too anal about dental hygiene. Oh if only zhey knew how _right_ zhey are."

"Not gonna lie, it still comes off as a real shocker that _you_ of all people are into this sorta thing. Oi mean, wouldn't bein' a doctor make ye spooked about all th' risks?"

"Hah, as if." Medic tutted and rolled his eyes. "If anyzhing, it has desensitized me to the more grotesque side of life. Perhaps even gotten me interested in zhat side."

"Yeh but, can't that kind o' thing kill ye? That's why that particular insult usually ends with 'and die', isn't it?"

"Ve die on a regular basis for our jobs, death is zhe last zhing zhat I vill fear, und I figure you vould feel zhe same considering how often you get backstabbed." The German chuckled in a light-hearted manner.

"Oi could say the same about you, plus all the headshots from the enemy Sniper, gettin' crushed under the feet of a rocket jumpin' Soldier, a Scout throwin' mad milk at ye before goin' to town on yer head wit a bat… even an Ubercharge won't save you from a Pyro's airblast." Sniper retorted in the same manner as he counted the various ways Medic could be taken out on his fingers. He was still smiling though, as they liked to banter with each other just as much as the others did. "The list goes on."

"Ja ja, I get it." Medic crossed his arms and tilted his chin up. "But for vhat it's worth, ve have nozhing to vorry about. Ve have zhe medigun und respawn for a reason."

"Oi dunno 'bout the medigun, but that is absolutely _not_ why we have respawn." Sniper scoffed. "If it was then oi'd 'ave about a dozen questions fer Engie."

"Hey, ve don't know for sure zhat Herr Engineer ist not partial to such taboo interests. I had no idea zhat you were until yesterday."

"I'm surprised oi didn't blabber 'bout it while drunk 'til yesterday."

"Ach vell, better late zhan never, eh? Speaking of vich, let's get going already. If we keep talking now ve'll be here all night."

Medic hastily unbuttoned his coat and threw it on one of the desks, his priorities no longer leaning towards keeping everything neat. Now without the coat hiding his tie, he undid it and tied it around Sniper’s neck instead. “Follow me, und I promise I vill leave you yearning for _more_ next time.” He promised and pulled on the tie, leading Sniper behind him as if he were collared and leashed while they headed towards the far back of the room.

Sniper tossed his hat and bulletproof vest in the same spot as the coat. He briefly glanced behind him as if he were giving the light of possible redemption one last glance only to throw it away for the promise of carnal pleasure of the most sinful variety. To be fair though, now that the opportunity was there it was an easy decision to make. He waited while Medic inputted the passcode into the panel and unlocked the entrance to a secret passageway. It was 21-85-84-86, which Medic once told him was specifically chosen to spell something out via the element abbreviations on the periodic chart, but the assassin hadn’t seen a periodic table since high school.

Medic heard the sound of a lock opening and grabbed one of the handles, pulling the right door to the side. He continued to lead Sniper through the narrow passage until the room widened to reveal a large bedroom that was very nicely kept. It was originally meant to be an extra room for severely injured or ill patients, but since that fit the quota of nearly every patient that visited him, he repurposed it into his own personal bedroom. Complete with a guarded door just in case someone else got the bright idea of trying to snoop. Getting the password wrong, assuming that they even found the door, would shock the intruder with enough volts to leave their hand visibly singed. The only other person that was allowed access to the room was Sniper, and even then he usually still just slept in his beloved van.

It wasn’t the bedroom they had planned for their night of debauchery to take place in, however. With how dirty they planned on getting with each other, not even plastic sheets would be able to wash away the evidence once they were done. Mostly due to the smell. Luckily, there was also a door to a private bathroom there, which was perfect. It was smaller than the bedroom but that didn’t say much, as it was still rather impressively sized. The space inside was mostly taken up by a large bathtub big enough to provide plenty of room for them both to move around comfortably in. Unlike the lab, the atmosphere of the bathroom was less sterilized and more so just pleasantly clean, like lavender soap.

As we all know, that wouldn’t be the case for long.

It was only when Medic set it down near the sink that Sniper noticed he’d been carrying a boot-shaped beer glass the entire time. That sparked another faint memory from the night before. “Wait… where did ye get that?” He asked, pointing to it.

Medic didn’t answer him at first, instead focusing on disrobing while giving the other man a show. Even when Sniper repeated the question, he knew he was just as distracted as he himself had previously been. There had been a stutter in Sniper’s voice when he asked a second time, and the familiar feeling of being watched was on his back just like all the other times that he was the first one to undress. He preferred it that way, being the dominant one in the sexual aspect of their relationship. Usually he would start things off with a strip tease, the thrill of being watched making it difficult to keep the same steady pace without also lingering too long. Then he would turn around and see his eyes widen while biting his lip, sucking in a breath of surprise upon being given a full frontal view. And yet their starting ritual still wouldn’t be done, since Medic liked to be the one to assist in slipping his partner out of those confining work clothes of his, taking his sweet time the same way he did for himself.

They were both very patient men, requiring a certain level of resolve to aid them in their jobs on the battlefield. That patience aided them during their private moments as well, allowing them to appreciate each and every single detail of not just their physical bodies but their reactions, expressions, movements and sounds as well. Despite the electrical current of adrenaline and arousal coursing through their veins, that patience also allowed them to fight off the urge of one to simply manhandle the other out of their own primal desire. That way, they could keep each other in the mood for as long as they saw fit. Romance went hand in hand with kink, in their humble opinion.

This time was no different. Sniper drank in every detail that his acute, if also lust-foggy vision would allow him to. They followed his hands as they pulled off that vest that had been the source of confusion the night before and moved on to roll the white shirt underneath. The bushman licked his lips as more skin was revealed to his hungry eyes, lingering on the sight of his back and shoulders as he rolled them back. Only the faintest lines gave away the presence of ribs on his sides and only when he arched his back enough. The result of leading an athletic lifestyle despite being out of his prime, no doubt.

The moment he heard an unzipping noise however, Sniper had to tear his eyes away to focus instead on the way Medic’s thumbs twitched while hooked under the waistband of his jodhpurs, itching to pull them down. The button was already undone, so he did so slowly once he got the attention he wanted. He did not do a dance in the way a professional stripper would no matter how much he felt like one, but he did roll his hips once just to tease the outbacker. The doctor showed no mercy on the battlefield and he would show no mercy in the heat of passion. After taking a couple of moments to run his hands over his thighs and cheeks, squeezing the latter and giving them a light _thwack,_ he pulled his jodhpurs down to his ankles. They were hindered only by the presence of his socks and leather boots, which were much quicker to go than his shirt and pants. By then, he was left in only his light blue britches. He bent down as he slipped out of the last remaining garment, intentionally putting up a display.

“You have seen me like zhis a zhousand times, und yet every time you still act the same as you did zhe first time.” Medic laughed when he turned around and got the same gasp and lip bite out of Sniper as always.

“Well, oi’ve seen the sunset a thousand times too from both sides of the world but it never ceases to amaze me.” Sniper replied, top lip curling upward and revealing a canine tooth that jutted out.

“Ach, how can you say you don’t have feelings vhen you are zhis sappy around me?” Medic asked amusedly as he absentmindedly played with the hair behind Sniper’s ears. “Anyhow, it is your turn now, so allow me.”

“Ye kinda brought that side out o’ me yerself, doc. An’ nobody else gets to see that side.” Sniper _hmphed,_ though they knew that they were both cheesy with their love and found it to be endearing. He then noticed Medic peeling off those blue latex gloves and placing them in the sink. “Only you would keep your gloves on at all times _except_ for surgery an’ sex, arguably the times ye would need ‘em the most.”

“I wear zhem for battle as to not ruin mein hands, und zhey vould just get in zhe way of vhat I am doing during the times you brought up.”

“...Ye really are a dirtier doctor than oi give ye credit for, eh? Seems loik the evidence was starin’ me roight in me face.”

He surrendered himself and let his Teuton lover slip his large yet nimble hands under his work shirt. It was pulled off with ease and thrown into the same pile that the Medic’s clothes lay. His hands returned to slip under the white tank top that was underneath the blue one, taking his time to run his fingers over the many features that made up his torso. After pulling it off, he resumed exploring the body he knew well. They rubbed small yet soothing circles over his stomach before trailing upward to press against and trace the crevice between his pecs. He was hairier and there was a trail of it leading down his stomach before disappearing under the waistband of his pants, thinning out the further down it went. Unlike Medic, Sniper was not particularly muscular nor did he sport abs, and his ribs were more visible. That’s not to say that he was unattractive or in bad shape, it was just evidence of their differing lifestyles. In fact, his sort of body type was exactly to Medic’s liking with unique features in all the right places. He couldn’t help himself as he leaned forward to plant a kiss on each reddish-brown nipple, then gently suckled on it.

_“This always gets the cutest noises out of him.”_ Medic thought, listening to the melody of desperate mewls while his hands were busy elsewhere. Despite being made in the back of his throat where they ought to sound more high pitched, they were deeper and fit his often gravelly tone.

Medic only pulled his lips away when he had finished fumbling with Sniper’s belt and successfully gotten his fly open. He tilted his head up so he could look the Aussie in the eyes with a wide smile. He licked his lips in a seductive manner as he pulled his khakis down and lowered himself with them. Sniper had to lean back against the sink and grab the edge with both hands to steady himself as he watched Medic descend further. This was partly the reason he first sought out the German doctor when he first found out about his sexual preference years ago, older men tended to have a better idea of what they were doing and made him feel important. That, and they were more genuinely charming in his opinion. The one he got hitched with during his time with BLU certainly fit the bill for all of those qualities.

Medic only stopped once the khakis bunched up into rolls of fabric around the ankles. Careful and leisurely as he was to remove every other article of clothing, he never spent much time on boots or socks and hastily tossed those away, followed by the khakis a moment later. Sniper was the kind to go commando since that allowed for easy access to his jars for relief, and it also allowed for easy access for a quickie should they have the time for one away from the rest of the team before a round began.

“Did ye steal that glass from the bar last noight?” Sniper asked, pointing to the boot glass a third time. He was now also completely nude save for the tie Medic had given him earlier and his glove and watch. He supposed his aviators didn’t count, since Medic often left his own glasses on 

“Ja, I might have. Zhey asked me if I vanted to try Das Beer Boot, apparently zhey believe zhe Germans drink beer out of boot glasses. Ve do not, zhis is zhe first time I have ever seen anyzhing like it. Still, I zhought it vas cute so I gave it a chance. I liked it so I took zhe glass vith me.” Medic shrugged, taking the glass in hand.

“Ye know, oi find it surprisin’ that people _actually_ loik beer, sometimes oi think everyone only drinks it to uphold some ancient tradition that none of us are bold enough to admit sucks.” Sniper fiddled with the watch and glove before taking them off, placing the watch on top and the glove in the sink bowl.

“Zhat ist only because Australians don’t know zhe first zhing about making good Bier.” Medic scoffed with a good-natured tone. He turned around to open the medicine cabinet and pulled out a bottle of chewable tablets.

“Oh yeah? An’ oi heard that German beer is actually piss.” Sniper scoffed back jokingly. “Then again, oi meself only drink beer cos it reminds me of piss, makes it easier to get it down. An' cos it fucks me up for the night, that too."

“You ficken vould, vouldn’t you?” Medic popped four of the tablets into his mouth at once and began to chew them, putting the bottle to the side rather than putting them back into the still open cabinet.

“As we established earlier, yeh. I also like bein’ able t’ have an excuse to let go o’ me responsibilities. Also, laxatives? Oi thought you were eating three whole servings of dinner to avoid ‘em.”

“Laxatives do not _create_ bowel movements, zhey move zhem along quicker. Zhese vill only take a couple of minutes to kick in. In zhe meantime, let’s set everything up.” 

Medic led Sniper by the tie as if it were a leash again into the spacious tub. He instructed Sniper to lay down so that he could properly restrain him. It would be of no surprise that the two of them were into bondage, given everything else that they did and would do that was much more out there. With that, he stepped out for a moment only to return with a pair of steel handcuffs connected by a chain, the same kind that was used for RED interrogation victims. They didn't see much use since they were usually more interested in just fighting for anything war-related, so the assassin and healer figured that there would be nothing wrong with borrowing the handcuffs for their own pleasure sometimes. He then took out a steel spreader bar and put Sniper’s ankles through the holes, then propped his legs up so that they were bent at the knee. He tightened the cuffs around the ankles to keep him that way, allowing for unyielding access to the large, plump and slightly curved organ between his legs.

With enough space for him to stand in despite the other merc laying down, he set the beer glass on the floor between his legs. “Since you vere able to come clean to me about two new kinks of yours, I shall be kind enough to indulge zhem both. Allow me to show you vhat _real_ Bier is supposed to taste like, straight from zhe tap."

Sniper could only watch and bite his lip again as the glass started to fill, the steady stream of piss sounding obscenely loud. It was like music to his ears, and he was already half-hard before but the sight before him and its implications were too erotic to ignore. He was fully hard by the time the glass was full, though by then Medic wasn't completely done. He reangled his cock so that the stream could hit Sniper right in the middle of his chest and drizzle in deltas of mini-streams. Small drops of it collected in his chest hair and stayed there for a couple of moments before they too rolled downward and disappeared.

He moaned at the feeling and brought one of his restrained hands to his chest to run his fingers through the wet hair. There was not much room to move them, the chain connecting the cuffs being quite short and heavy. Yet he was still preoccupied enough with his wetted chest that he just barely noticed it when Medic straddled him by the hips, holding the piss-filled boot glass in the same classy fashion that Spy would hold a glass of expensive wine. To the two of them, it might as well have been, perhaps even better.

"Excited now, are ve?" Medic cooed, leaning back so that Sniper's erection pressed insistently between his buttocks and against the lower part of his back. He was evidently just as excited as the bushman that he had wrapped around his finger.

"S' a lil' hard not to be, wot wit ye teasin' me an' all." Sniper replied, lifting his hips up the best he could but not having any leverage. A strained growl escaped his throat from the effort.

"Ooh, you should know by now zhat zhis ist _nozhing_ compared to vhat _I_ can do to tease you~" Medic purred and pulled Sniper upright by tugging on his tie. He brought the glass towards Sniper's face and held it under his nose. When his tongue stuck out, the glass was snatched away before he could sample a taste.

"Oh no you don't, not yet." Medic chastised, wagging a finger at him while shaking his head and clicking his tongue. "For now, I will only allow you to smell it. Can't have you finishing before ve even get started. No drinking just yet." He then brought the warm glass back so he could get another whiff. Anybody else would have been put off by the scent, but to Sniper it was just like fresh buttered popcorn. His mouth watered but he managed to follow the order he was given, if a little reluctantly.

"So, oi take it this is gonna be one of our edging sessions?" Sniper inquired with a raised eyebrow. Despite the insistent twitching of his cock, he really could just sit here taking in the scent from the glass for a while. At least for as long as Medic kept it there, that is.

“Ah, zhat ist a gut idea, now zhat you mention it!” Medic perked up, pale green eyes shining with delight. It was immediately followed by a gurgling sound from his abdomen, which he had to let go of the tie to hold tightly. “I zhink the laxatives are finally starting to take _effect!”_ His tone raised in pitch and sounded more pinched, eyes widening into pinpricks for a moment as he caught the breath that escaped from his chest. He quickly recovered and set the glass of piss on the tiled floor outside of the tub so that neither of them could accidentally knock it over.

“Heh, was wonderin’ when those would kick in.”

“Pardon… p-pardon me…” Medic breathed, exhaling sharply and trying to shift his position as quickly as possible. 

He fumbled a couple times due to rushing, but luckily he managed to get into a comfortable enough position of leaning forward while hovering over Sniper’s crotch before letting loose. “Nng- _ach…”_ He groaned, the dam breaking with an unrelenting wave of soft, mushy shit. They weren’t logs, but it wasn’t too watery either. He took deep, labored breaths and grit his teeth while screwing his eyes shut, nose upturned. He spread his asscheeks with one hand while steadying himself with the other on Sniper’s chest to make voiding himself easier. His face grew redder by the second as waves of pressure he hadn’t had to deal with a minute ago lessened. A most unflattering image for a man of his status, occupation, wealth and intelligence, but one that was no less enticing for the gunman taking the brunt of the mess.

Sniper wished his wrists hadn’t been cuffed with such a short chain, for he wanted more than ever to run a hand through Medic’s ebony hair and pet his head while murmuring sweet words of encouragement in his ear. At least his hands were close enough to his stomach to rub it in soothing circles. _“There there, let it all out, luv…”_ He whispered, trying to sound comforting but the baritone in his rough, growly voice made it sound more seductive. It brought a smile to Medic’s face and made him open his eyes so he could look into them, so he figured he succeeded anyway.

Such a depraved situation as this should not have felt nearly as wholesome as it did to the two of them, but oddly enough this felt more like a stereotypical romantic first-time scenario between college freshmen. As opposed to a grizzled hitman beginning his thirties and a sadistic doctor well into his forties incorporating shit into their sex lives, which was the reality of it. Then again, it sort of was a first-time scenario in a way, with an experienced lover guiding the other newbie and making each other feel, well, _loved_ in the process. They were both all for dabbling in humiliation play and degradation, for their kinks knew no bounds, but they also agreed that perhaps showing their mutual love and interest in the fetish would be a better way to get Sniper used to it.

_And dear God could he ever get used to something like this._

Medic could hardly believe it when he was finally done, nor could he believe what he was really about to do. He may have had experience in indulging his coprophilia by himself, but he never would have thought that he would get to not only get someone else involved as well but also indulge their own fascination at the same time. If anything, he figured that the most he could possibly get was someone that was not into scat but was willing to try it with him on the receiving end, which was what he was hoping for when he would have eventually built up the courage to ask Sniper. What he ended up getting was much better by a long shot. He panted and caught his breath, eyelids heavy and tired from the strain and intensity of what had just happened.

“Zhat… hah… zhat vas intense…” His voice wavered with both fatigue and arousal, now rock hard just like his partner.

“Do yeh always make those lil’ moans when ye shit, or is it only with the laxatives? Cos if it’s always this hot oi wouldn’t mind listenin’ to it.” Sniper growled with a sleazy, toothy coffee-stained grin, voice laden with lust.

“I kind of played it up for you, to be honest. Not all of zhem vere exaggerated zhough, you may be pleased to hear.” Medic admitted, returning the grin but more sheepishly. “Und vhat about zhe moans _you_ vere making, schatz?”

“Those were every bit as real as can be.”

“Und I imagine zhe rest vill be just as real, once I lube you up properly.” Medic’s sheepish grin turned into one that was more confident and domineering, fitting his role on top both in their relationship and life in general. 

He turned around and got to work improvising lube, scooping handfuls of still warm semi-solid scheisse from on top of Sniper’s crotch and where it had begun to pool on the floor right where his balls were. There were a couple of chunks in the mess but they probably weren’t going to be too much of a problem. He managed to squish the bigger ones into smaller pieces within the mixture as he lathered it all over the outbacker’s cock, both of them relishing in the feeling. Their chests heaved with heavy breaths, Medic having to hold back from immediately using his tongue to clean up the mess he’d just made and Sniper having to hold back from spurting right then and there. Especially with the dirty view the latter got while the former worked, knowing full well what sorts of things that sight was doing to him.

“I’m impressed, I thought you vould cum before I could even finish und I’d have to punish you. But nein, you held out just perfectly.” Medic praised and turned around, smearing the gunk that coated his hands onto Sniper’s chest, both to rid it of himself and to see if that was an aspect of scat play that Sniper would be partial to. And it would seem as though it was, given the way the deep rumbling sound in the back of his throat sounded almost like a purr. He reached for the glass, still planning on using it. The glass got dirtied with smudge marks and the liquid inside had cooled off slightly, now more lukewarm than outright hot but that was alright.

“Same as before, you can only sniff it for now. No drinking, not yet.” The Teuton repeated the instructions as he placed the glass in his cuffed hands. “Und try not to spill it, for your sake. I vill not pour you anozher, zhis brand is limited edition after all.” Something about referring to waste products as if it were regular food or drink always got Medic off, probably the absurdity of acting so casual about the matter or something along the lines of that. Probably the same reason he was so fond of overly casual sex in general, such as getting sucked off while doing paperwork or getting pounded into tomorrow from behind while pretending to be perpetually bored with his nose buried within the pages of a book.

“Ye got it, mate.” Sniper replied, not minding that it had cooled down either. He brought it closer to his face and inhaled deeply, relishing in the scent that really shouldn’t smell as good as it did. But just like they say, the nose knows, and his nose knew a good smell when it detected one. It wasn’t as pungent as his own piss, which was a nice change if he did say so himself.

With one still slick hand Medic steadied himself on Sniper’s hips while lifting his own and held the now lubed up length of the latter to line it up with his filthy entrance. He thought about bringing regular lube with him as well, but figured it would be redundant and just get mixed up in the shit. Besides, he never needed lube whenever he got down to dirty business by himself and jerked off with it. He lowered himself and huffed when he felt the fat and hot tip press against his sensitive pucker. The head was already leaking pre by the time he’d finished all of the necessary preparations, but Medic was a patient man that knew how to pace himself just right. And the same went for Sniper, being able to hold out for a long time during their edging sessions. His current record was an agonizing three hours, but something told him that he wouldn’t be making it to nearly that long this time around. Hell, he’d be surprised if he even made it to fifteen minutes with all the different stimuli he was being tortured with.

Sniper let out an airy gasp and took in a stronger sniff of the homemade brew in the bottle he was holding when Medic finally started sinking down onto his erection, going at an agonizingly slow pace inch by inch. Medic had been right to forego the lube they usually used in favor of this new special kind. It felt much more intimate because he had made it himself and specifically as a gift to his lover. And they were both going to try to enjoy that gift for as long as their bodies would allow them to before giving in. They had the whole night to themselves as long as nobody needed any urgent medical care. They trusted that the other mercenaries down in the basement playing craps would at least try not to tear each other to shreds while they were busy playing their own more literal version of craps.

Medic started off with a steady pace that wasn't so slow that he barely moved but wasn't a constant bounce either. It was more like trying to get used to the feeling while also trying to draw it out for as long as possible. He lazily rolled his hips, knees slightly raised off the floor of the tub. He kept his hands occupied by rolling his thumbs over Sniper's dirty and hardened nipples, also keeping himself steady by planting his palms firmly on his chest. He heard a needy moan in response to the action and took it as a sign to continue, hearing more moans that each sounded even needier than the last. They never were too big on nipple play, preferring to focus on more obvious erogenous zones. Well, other than the times that Sniper wanted to try out intercrural sex by fucking his pressed-together thighs. Maybe they should start to focus more on nipple play if it was already making him this noisy.

Then again, maybe that was due to all of the other stimuli that were being combined together. Regardless, Medic kept it up until he needed to shift his position after his ankles were starting to cramp. He could usually stay in similar positions for longer periods of time since they typically edged each other (though nine times out of ten it was Sniper that willfully resigned his control to the doctor during those sessions) in the bedroom. The large, soft mattress and several sheets and blankets alongside pillows provided much more comfort than the bottom of a porcelain bathtub and he was used to being able to rest his knees. He stood up and slid off, nearly falling over from how fast he got up and the trembling of his legs.

"Where are ye goin'?" Sniper questioned, turning his head and watching Medic step out of the tub.

"Just getting some towels to cushion mein knees, zhat is all."

Medic soon climbed back in with the towels in question, folding two of them down a couple times on either side and one behind him lengthwise until they provided enough cushioning. He rested his knees and got back into position, using the towel behind him to rest his feet and ankles. It didn't matter too much if the towels got dirty, though he assumed they wouldn't have to worry about that anyway. They seemed to be well out of the range of the mess. With that, he could get the show back on the road.

Sniper hissed through his teeth, delighting in the return of pleasure but once again getting tormented with how slowly Medic was pacing himself. The thing about orgasm delay was that the process itself was _agonizing,_ yet it didn't hurt in the traditional sense. While he did enjoy some types of pain enough to be considered a masochist, there was something about being mercilessly teased with a torturously slow buildup that made him want to both just race to the finish line already to make it stop and hold out for as long as possible. The buildup was comparable to pressing ice on your skin until the freezing sensation got intense enough to ironically start feeling like you were being burned instead. Edging was safer than that, although they sometimes dabbled in Medic's interest in ice play.

"Tell me, Herr Sniper, has zhe Bier cooled down enough?" Medic panted, enduring some edging himself. Oftentimes, he liked to challenge himself to last longer than Sniper to prove his dominance, and only give in right after the latter did. He was determined to do the same thing tonight as well, but like hell was he going to make this easy for either of them. Surely a little bit of something extra could do the trick in making him struggle a little bit in the endurance test.

Sniper had nearly forgotten about the glass in his hands by then, having spent the past half an hour focusing on the sight in front of him instead. The way that little curl in the physician's hair that normally stuck out had since become plastered to his forehead, which shone with a sheen of sweat. The way the rest of his body also shone, his chest looking particularly wet as it heaved from the exertion. The way his eyes were half-lidded but clearly darkened with lust. He could tell that Medic was having just as much of a hard yet enjoyable time as he had been.

Especially given the amount of drool that had been dripping from the corners of his mouth and down his chin. And the grin he wore that stretched from ear to ear, a twisted grin that would have appeared malicious in any other situation and surely would have frightened anyone else to see, full of teeth that were too white, too perfect, too clean especially for the reason they constantly appeared that way. A grin that one could tell was hiding some sort of devious secret that nobody else could put a finger on. Even the Spy knew nothing, as far as they could tell anyway. Sniper fucking loved that grin more than anything else.

"Yeh, it's definitely long since cooled off now. Oi've got a bottle warmer if we gotta heat it up, but d' we really gotta walk all th' way to the van fer it?"

"Nein. You are probably used to enjoying it while it's still hot, but I zhink you vill enjoy it all zhe same."

"I knew ye always preferred the cold, but… cold _piss?_ Ain't ever heard o' anyone loikin' that." Sniper made a brief grimace but at this point he wasn't going to put a stop to any of this. He could if he wanted to, he knew that, but he also liked to try new things, and that's what this session was all about. Don't knock it 'til you try it, they say. "Oi'll still do it though."

"It's not too different, but ja, even amongst zhe deviants I am a strange case. Personality, I prefer waiting for it to get cold." Medic stopped rolling his hips up and down and leaned forward, taking the glass with one hand and pulling Sniper towards him by the tie with the other. Now with both of them sitting up and close together, he pushed the rim of the glass to Sniper's lips. It initially found resistance at his teeth due to hesitation but soon he parted those too.

He tilted the glass and watched the assassin's Adam's apple bob with every swallow in some form of sick pleasure. Every deep moan from his throat and exhale through his nose as a sigh of pleasure that accompanied his gulping sent a spark of arousal through his groin. From the throbbing of the cock he was speared on he could tell Sniper was just as into it. As if that hadn't been obvious enough, he was also taking small gulps, taking his time as if he were nursing an actual bottle of beer. He watched Sniper's eyes flutter between half-lidded and closed. Wanting to get in on the action too, he pulled the bottle away when it was at the halfway mark.

"I must say, I am impressed. You certainly make for a remarkable piss drinker, I did not hear a single gag even zhough it's cold." Medic praised. Even before he had his suspicions confirmed, he always hoped that the jokes and rumors were true although he would never say so out loud. And seeing where it got him now, he was glad that turned out to be the case. "So, vhat do you zhink?"

  
  


"Definitely prefer it hot, but fer wot it's worth, it ain't too bad. Turns me on all th' same." Sniper rested his hands down, though it was difficult to do so with the cuffs.

"Sehr gut, sehr gut…" Medic agreed and gently placed Sniper's head back down, letting go of the tie. "I am feeling quite parched myself. I vill let you finish it, but let me have a sip too."

"Oh, well go roight ahead mate." 

From Sniper's perspective, Medic seemed to loom over him. His hawk-eye vision took in the image of the other man indulging himself, looking so casual yet so strikingly different from the professional demeanor everyone else was familiar with. Just like himself, a dangerous mercenary that struck fear into enemies by day and a playful deviant by night. While remaining firmly seated on his cock, Medic eyed him with a smirk as he also took small gulps of his own brew. The hand that previously held the tie was now gripping his own cock, leisurely stroking himself. He didn't intend to get off this way and made sure not to speed up. All he meant to do was take some of the edge off while creating what he hoped was a titillating image for his partner.

Going by the way he bit his lip again and whined, trying to buck his hips and grab Medic's but being unable to, it seemed as though he had succeeded in that. He reluctantly stopped drinking when there was about a quarter left inside the boot glass. He licked his lips with a quenched sigh and let out a small belch, excusing himself before pulling Sniper up by the tie again and offering the rest of his drink.

"Danke, perhaps next time you could pour _me_ a glass. Or perhaps save von of your jars und I could do a full analysis on zhe sample, ja?"

"Ohhh… bloody 'ell, that sure wos a sight oi never thought oi'd get ta see." Sniper gulped, cheeks flushed and dick twitching inside his lover who remained seated as if he were his personal throne. "M'sorry oi'm actin' loik a dumb teenager who's just found out how big dicks can get. It's just… this is a whole new experience that I thought would just stay an unfulfilled fantasy."

"Und yet here ve are. You vill get used to it, trust me." Medic chuckled at the Sniper's bashfulness. Once again he pulled him up by the tie and put the glass up to the rugged man's scarred lips. Although the last person one would be inclined to trust would be Medic if they knew just how off the rails he had gotten over the years, it was different between them. And maybe going off the rails was contagious, because Sniper did manage to find it in him to trust the other man. "Zhis shall help calm your nerves, so you can just sit back und let me do zhe vork."

Sniper nodded and obediently tipped his head back, allowing Medic to slowly pour the remaining piss down his throat. He breathed deeply in and out, letting it trickle onto his tongue for a few moments before each gulp to savor it. He was always the kind to favor hot temperatures over cold temperatures for anything, having been not necessarily born in Australia but having been raised in it. He was technically born a kiwi but even with the disadvantages of not being exposed to Australium and the obstacles that came with living in the Outback, he still not only survived but had the soul of any other Australian. When he came to the United States, he had to learn to tolerate colder temperatures especially during the winter, and having learned to also tolerate just about any taste, he could certainly tolerate cold piss. Especially if it belonged to the Medic, that was pretty much the selling point.

Once the glass was empty, Medic got up and let go of the tie again, pulling himself off a second time. The head of his cock was leaking by now and some of the precum dripped on the tiled floor as he put the glass away near the sink. He wasn't sure how long either of them could last, though making Sniper pull out every once in a while could perhaps buy them some extra time. It seemed to work during their other edging sessions, but the circumstances were somewhat different beforehand. As in, the extra kinks they threw in to spice it up during those times were arguably tamer. No matter though, a punishment for not lasting long enough would still be just as fun as a reward for breaking the previous record in their eyes. At this point, it would seem as though a punishment would be inevitable. What that punishment would be, though, Medic would have to decide that later.

When he returned again, he didn't bother going down slowly this time. He took the length halfway and then sunk down completely to the root, before using it to fuck himself as if it were a toy rather than the real deal. Miraculously, unlike his hands the shaft remained slick thanks to the not-quite-solid yet not-quite-liquid shit coating it. Usually, they would go through lube fairly quickly due to having to reapply it several times, each time in liberal amounts simply for how well-endowed the both of them were blessed to be. Medic was slightly bigger than Sniper in both length and girth, but not by much. Perhaps that's what made them so willing to switch positions at any point, though the German had a penchant for remaining in power even when bottoming.

"Fffuhhhh…" Sniper drawled, tongue lolling out slightly with a line of drool rolling down the corner of his mouth as he panted. The action reminded Medic of a dog, or more accurately for his nationality, a dingo. He was not the vocal type, while the man riding him had spent the majority of the session loudly announcing his pleasure through moaning and yelling obscenities in his native tongue. Sniper was not quiet as a church mouse either, it was just that his huffs and grunts were less wordy and often got drowned out.

"Hah! Hoo…! Agh… _sh-sheisse, ich bin so ein dreksau!_ Und I love it!" Medic practically snarled from the intensity, voice deepening and taking on a more guttural growl to it that was closer to Sniper's own. Seeing the way the Aussie's tongue stuck out as he panted gave him an idea. A sinister, rather extreme idea that could easily make even those that purport to have seen it all sick to their stomach. And yet it made his stomach flutter with the feeling of butterflies.

“Yeh oi agree, an’ so am oi. Proud of it too, thanks to our lil’ pep talk.” Sniper replied, trying to keep his feet planted on the ground so as to not accidentally throw Medic off.

Without even realizing it, Medic had picked up the pace at which he bounced, having been lucky in that the rod had struck his prostate as soon as he had buried it inside himself for what was the third time that night. He managed to have it brushed against a little bit the other two times too if he shifted himself the right way or went deep enough. The rush of more rapid strokes, however, was addictive and he couldn’t bring himself to stop. He moved one of his hands behind to spread his cheeks apart by one side, smearing some of the mess onto his flesh in streaks with his fingers in the process.

“N-nngh! No cumming until I say so, or else you are going to have to clean up your mess all by yourself. Vizh your _tongue.”_

Something about that statement sparked something within the hitman, something that made him unable to hold out any longer. With a drawn out groan he thrusted his hips to the best of his ability as his resolve finally crumbled. Medic gasped in genuine surprise upon feeling the first spurts of hot, sticky cum inside. He gripped the sides of Sniper’s torso and bore down on him, wanting to milk him dry. It wasn’t a short orgasm either, it lasted for over a minute and every twitch was punctuated by a groan and a new sticky rope. That would only add more for him to clean, but in the heat of the moment he didn’t care.

Once they were sure he was done, Medic carefully dismounted though without standing up this time. He turned around while on his hands and knees, once again giving Sniper the perfect view of his dirtied ass. “Oh would you just look at vhat you have done? I vas not kidding vhen I said you vould have to lick it all up if you came before I said you could. Und vhen you disobey mein orders, you get punished.” He scolded humorously, knowing that it was really more of a reward than anything.

“I- are ye sure nobody’ll know when we’re done? Wot if someone smells it on me breath?”

“If ve take all zhe proper precautions for our _actual_ clean up, zhere should be no issues afterverds. Nobody seems to have noticed anyzhing suspicious vhen it vas just me.”

“Yeh, ye got a point. Even oi didn’t. ‘Sides, if they’re close enough t’ smell moi breath then clearly they’re much too close to me.”

“Zhere you go, no need to vorry! Anyvay, you made a mess, now clean it up as best as you can.” Medic positioned himself so that his ass was now mere inches from the marksman’s face. “Let me see your hands.”

Sniper lifted his cuffed hands, which Medic took ahold of. He took a moment to fix his glasses, which had gone askew at some point a couple of minutes ago. The key for the cuffs was laying on the floor outside the tub close to where the boot-shaped glass used to be. He made a blind grab for it, fingers curling around the metal around the third time. He pulled it up and unlocked the cuffs, slipping them off and putting both them and the key back on the floor.

“You should have an easier time getting your face all up in zhere now zhat your hands are free. Since zhis is your first time, I shall go easy on you. You can sank me later.”

“Alroight, thanks mate.” Sniper replied, finally able to move his hands apart and stretch his arms out. 

He grabbed ahold of those perfectly rounded cheeks and gave them a squeeze before spreading them, getting a light squeal out of their owner. Between them, a gooey brown and off-white sludge plastered the entirety of the crack and sides, creating a splotchy design. Some of it even dripped down his taint. And the source of it, the dirty brown pucker, winked as if daring him to go for it. As if to suggest that after they had already gone so far, put so much trust into each other and been so honest, that he would dare to back out now. No, absolutely not. This was his dream, one of his ultimate fantasies, and now he would get to indulge his most extreme kink in a way that was considered hardcore even within the scope of other related activities.

Was he a little hesitant? Yes, of course he was. This was incredibly risky even with knowing the dangers of going through with it, and treatments available should anything go wrong. Including the bonus of being with a doctor that already had experience with this sort of thing and knew how to make sure things would run smoothly. On the other hand, his whole profession depended on just taking the shot and finishing the job, although not quite in the same context. So, with that kind of will, he took the shot and hit his mark dead-on.

“Oh! I love zhat enthusiasm, Mundy! Going all in, I am impressed!” Medic gasped at the sudden tongue-to-hole contact. The sensation was gone as quickly as it had happened. "Was?"

"Sorry, err… oi underestimated th' taste, had to pull back a bit." Sniper removed his aviators, setting them on the rim. "I ain't no quitter though, 'm goin' back in."

"Ja, zhat's zhe spirit!" Medic praised and let out another lewd _"oh!"_ when Sniper remained true to his word. "Hooh… right zhere." He sighed blissfully, having to resist the urge to grind against his face the way he normally could. That would surely be an unpleasant experience, not to mention it would go against the whole point of getting cleaned up.

Having lived out in the desert on his own on and off for much of his adult life, Sniper was used to eating all sorts of different things. Out of necessity, he learned to not be picky as long as he got nutrition from it. It also led to boosting his immunity enough to be able to shrug off most kinds of sickness and withstand many different poisons. Hell, there was even a rumor going around that not only was he completely immune to rattlesnake venom but he could safely extract and drink it right from the fangs. And because he liked the taste, the rumor was indeed true. He just had to take an antidote and wait at least a day afterwards before accepting any smooches on the mouth from Medic. Not for his sake, but for the latter's sake since he didn't have that same kind of immunity.

Sniper figured it was that pragmatic style of living that led to him becoming brave enough to take a swig of his jarate one day while nobody was looking just to answer that one question that many others have wondered at some point of their lives but not been willing to go through with finding the answer to - what the hell does piss even taste like? According to Sniper’s findings, apparently it depended and wasn’t always the same. Though the typical bitterness and saltiness that stayed the same most of the time didn’t bother him too much, and ended up becoming a kink that he didn’t dare talk about to anyone until this morning after being prodded about it. And while he wasn’t into it for the taste necessarily, it never socked him in the face quite like _this_ did.

To call it _dirty_ would be an understatement. It was quite unlike anything else he’d ever experienced, but despite the initial shock, it also wasn’t as bad as he expected the longer he kept his tongue there. If anything, it was mostly the noxious stench that he had to overcome since his nose was particularly sensitive. Once again, the product of living in isolation for so long and relying on his basic instincts to survive. Luckily he was able to adapt quickly, and soon not even the smell was too much of an issue. He moaned as he took long laps along the gunky asscrack and swallowed. It hadn’t been long at all since he last came, yet he was already getting hard again.

Which Medic noticed through the haze of pleasure while getting rimmed. He leaned forward and rested his stomach against Sniper’s own, the marksman’s dirty cock now right in his face. “Ah, you vant me to clean you up too, don’t you? I know I said _you_ were supposed to clean _everyzhing_ up, but I suppose I could gib dir etwas Spielraum.”

Sniper pulled away again to address what was said to him. Truth be told, he didn’t really want to pull away so quickly, he was starting to get really into it even despite the difficulties of reality that his fantasy had brought. “Eh?”

“I suppose I could give you some leeway.” Medic translated. “Since I am supposed to be showing you zhe ropes und all, I could help you out a little bit. How does zhat sound?” He gripped the base and gave the shaft a light squeeze, earning a whine from the bushman.

“Y-yeah.” Sniper responded before diving back between his cheeks, letting out a muffled keen from the sensation of lips on the tip of his dick. God, if it weren’t for respawn, that Germanic angel would be the death of him. He was an angel of death, one could say. That fit Medic pretty well.

Medic took his sweet time with the blowjob, just as he had taken his sweet time edging both himself and Sniper earlier. While he was very experienced in the art of blowjobs and scat play, he never got the chance to combine the two. He had fantasized about it for as long as he had the kink, but figured it wouldn't ever happen if he couldn't become flexible enough to suck his own dick. And considering the back and joint pains that often ailed him due to his age, and that it was a near impossible task for most people in general, well that simply was not going to happen. Now that he had someone that was not only willing to try it out but was also completely into it, no way was he going to just rush through it.

"German chocolate has ein certain… _tang_ to it, nein?" Medic remarked, unable to resist showing the jokey side of himself. He was a cheerful fellow, and as long as he didn't need to stay serious or take on the role of a different character such as for roleplaying, why shouldn't he be? "At least, zhat ist vhat I am getting, how about you Herr Sniper?"

"Yeh, that's one way t' put it. Might be the wad oi left in ye too that's makin' it that way." Sniper was making some good progress, having already licked up the obvious stains. He was biding his time with taking care of where the most damage had been done, getting more used to it and more into it. And the more time he spent, the less bad he felt about himself for his interest.

Medic responded by taking him deeper into his mouth until he reached his throat, making sure to run his tongue wherever he could as well. He managed to catch a small trickle of the remaining semen that had spilled over the underside of the cock instead of getting shot inside him, which only enhanced the flavor in his opinion. After taking a moment to remove his glasses and place them on the rim, Ludwig moved his hand back to play with Mundy's balls. Rolling and gently squeezing them with one hand, he held his rod straight up with the other as he put more heart into the blowjob.

"Mmmph…" Medic muffled, only pulling his lips off to swallow what he could and briefly catching his breath. A lighter shade of brown shining with spittle and throat slime was left behind a little more than halfway down before plunging him back into his greedy maw as deep as he could take him. That is, all the way to the root.

"J-ja, you like zhat, don't y- _mnnn-yah!"_ Medic hoarsely cried out, having released him to swallow again. His inquiry was interrupted by the feeling of that strong, diligent wet muscle slipping inside his hole. "Hah, hah…" He panted, needing to take a breather while Sniper's tongue worked inside him, swirling and scraping against the tight walls of muscle.

"Sure do. Seems loik ye do too, mate. An' oi think ye moight like this too."

A calloused hand wetted with a glob of spit wrapped around Medic's own length, wrenching another needy moan from him in a gasp for air. Going back down, he began to rut against his palm in time with being jerked off. The blowjob was a lot sloppier now, foregoing slowness in favor of rapid-fire deepthroating. Every thirty seconds he had to come up to swallow the mixture of residue, saliva and precum that built up in his mouth. The idea of taking things slowly on any end had since been flung out the window. Sniper sped his hand up as it got fucked faster and faster, while Medic ground his ass against that devil tongue, burrowing it in deeper per his own request.

Neither of them were going to last long at this rate. And they didn't, Medic being the first to blow. All of that pent up tension from not getting to reach his climax before was released all over Sniper’s chest, painting it white in addition to the brown that was already there. Sniper followed suit a minute later and Medic swallowed it down, just as he had everything else. They spent the afterglow just laying there, bodies pressed against each other as they came down from the high. They were beyond tuckered out now, too much so to even think about getting off a third time (or second time, in Medic's case.)

"Ve should probably take zhe time to actually get cleaned up, ja?" Medic exhaustedly commented, lifting himself up and straining as he did so. He moved his glasses and Sniper's aviators off the rim of the tub and near the sink before getting back in and closing the curtain. With another key he unlocked the hold on the cuffs around Sniper's ankles and removed the spreader bar.

"Definitely. Can't 'ave th' other guys noticing anything an' getting suspicious, now can we?" Sniper replied, standing up and taking the tie off, putting it on the floor outside. He reached for the knobs to turn the water on, adjusting the temperature until it was just right. Not too hot for Medic and his preference for the cold, while also not too cold to freeze Sniper's Aussie arse off. They would need that arse for later, after all.

"You did very well for your first time, I am impressed. Und I hope you know zhat I am proud, und you have made me a very happy man." Medic wrapped his arms around Sniper's waist and pulled him close to his body, capturing his lips and stealing his breath.

Although he’d been hoping to end things on a high note anyway, the last thing Sniper was expecting was a dirty kiss. But now that that's where it was going, he wouldn't want to end it any other way. It was perfect, and while they sure as hell weren't going to Heaven, this felt like Heaven on Earth to him. The wave of emotions that surged through him was overwhelming and he just couldn’t help but embrace the doctor and reciprocate the affection. They stood there making out under the shower, the contrast of clean and filthy elements in the scene not lost on them.

Taking a moment to pull away, Sniper chuckled and smiled widely which in turn made Medic crack a smile in return. “Bloody hell we’re awful, heh.”

“Und I vouldn’t have it any ozher vay.” Medic placed a light kiss on the other man’s nose before pressing his lips against the rugged outdoorsman’s own again.

* * *

The next morning was a surprisingly casual affair, the hitman and the doctor acting as though nothing had happened the night before. And as far as everyone else should be concerned, nothing did. Engineer had come up to them early in the morning to ask for details about whatever “experiment” they were supposedly working on, though Medic managed to get out of having to divulge much information. Well, other than that the experiment involved a test of endurance and exploring new territory. Which was technically the truth, he just neglected to mention the nature of the tests themselves. 

Demoman had also come up to check on them, asking if anything was wrong with the blood pudding he had made for dinner last night. After all, Medic had helped himself to not just one, not even two, but _three_ servings, and later on seemed to be in quite a hurry to leave. The only reason he could think of as to why he insisted on bringing Sniper along with him would be to keep him company or help him get through whatever he was afflicted with. They both quickly assured the bomber that the blood pudding was perfectly fine, as were they, and that they appreciated the concern.

Other than that, everyone else left them alone and it was just the two of them and the coffee maker. Waiting until Demo left, Sniper took a sip of his cup of coffee. He only tolerated it for the boost of caffeine the drink offered. Although it was Sunday and there wouldn’t be any actual fighting going on, he was still planning on visiting the training course. Mostly since Soldier would make them all do so anyway, and trying to convince the man otherwise would be like talking to a brick wall. In particular, he wanted to improve his ability to hit not just moving targets, but moving targets that were actively trying to get away from him.

He grumbled something and smacked his lips slowly, eyes narrowing. That strong, bitter and warm taste was quite familiar. Not exactly like what he was thinking of, but similar enough to warrant a snarky comment that only his lover would understand after the events that had recently transpired. 

“Solly wos roight ‘bout the coffee at this place. It really does taste loik crap.”

Medic snickered as he watched the man in question from a distance. Soldier was currently in a very heated argument with Scout over whether Sun Tsu would have been a fan of the Red Sox or the Yankees had he been alive today. Neither of them had been able to gain a leg up on the other, no matter how much evidence for either side they presented. He took a longer sip of his own coffee before answering Sniper, having built a higher tolerance for the taste.

“Ja, it certainly does. And you have only just now noticed? I knew for years.”

“Wait… is it _actually…?”_

“Hah, Himmel ist nein! BLU simply skimps out on everyzhing, so zhis coffee maker is… vell, let’s just say you could probably find a better von in a landfill. Still, it concentrates zhe caffeine strongly in a vay zhat makes keeping it around worth it. Von time I drank an entire pot zhroughout a single night for ein extensive surgical procedure und stayed up for _vier_ days straight!” Medic held out four gloved fingers to demonstrate.

Sniper remembered that incident quite well. It was around the time Engineer wanted to install the Gunslinger and had already chopped off his right hand to get it attached. Something had gone wrong, as that tends to happen when someone without much medical knowledge beyond his biology degree (which did not help him with learning how to attach prosthetics) attempts to give themselves robot parts. Medic had to spend a grueling seven hours just to fix up the damage on the first day, then four hours the next day to prep the nerves and attach the prosthetic itself. From that point Engineer had to remain out of commission for two weeks due to his recklessness, of which Medic did not fail to chew him out for. BLU predictably did not stand much of a chance against the REDs during those two weeks. Those other two days after the surgery were just due to the coffee’s much too intense power in keeping people awake and everyone had been unsettled by the constant pacing around the base Medic had to do to get rid of the excess energy. That and the bloodshot eyes that went longer periods of time without blinking than they should have, and the strained grin full of gritted teeth. And just when they thought Medic couldn’t have put them on edge more than he already did, they had once again been proven wrong.

Sniper had to admit though, he sure looked cute, adorable even, when the coffee’s effects had finally worn down enough to allow him to go to sleep. He had curled up right on the couch in the rec room, and Sniper had carried him off to his personal bedroom to let him rest somewhere more comfortable once he was sure he wouldn’t accidentally wake him up. He still remembered the way Medic had softly uttered the name _“Mundy”_ under his breath with a smile.

“Yeh, shit was wild from wot oi saw. Glad ye both turned out t’ be alroight in the end.”

They chatted some more, although as per usual Medic was much chattier and the one to initiate changes of topic. They didn’t need to rush so they figured that if they were going to be awake early then they might as well spend that time with the ones whose company they enjoyed the most. That is, until they were interrupted a third time and had another question to answer. They still appreciated the concern, but this was starting to get annoying.

“Heavy was in Doktor’s office yesterday night, needed headache medication thanks to leetle Scout’s constant talking. Also because of bat. Doktor was not in office.” The Russian reported his findings.

“Ach, I am sorry I vas not zhere at zhe time, I must have been on a break.” Medic told another technical truth. While he was no stranger to improvising lies at the drop of a hat, he preferred telling only a bit of the truth without volunteering anything he didn’t need to or would otherwise incriminate him. It was far more believable and easier to get away with things that way. “It should have been in zhe second cabinet, vere you able to find it?”

“Da. But Heavy has question for Doktor.” Heavy was holding something in one of his hands, though neither Medic nor Sniper could tell what it was due to the way it was hidden.

“Und vat is your question?” Medic raised an eyebrow, getting ready to improvise if need be.

Heavy then revealed the object in his hands, which was a medium-sized bottle of blue-green liquid. A bottle of mouthwash, one of many in one of the drawers in his desk at the main lab. He had so much of the stuff stashed in his personal bathroom that he had run out of space for it, which he failed to realize when he returned to Builders League United with a new batch. Scheisse, he could have sworn he locked those drawers. Apparently not, either he had been careless or someone had gotten nosy and decided to pick the locks. That damn Spy…

“Why does Doktor need to keep so much mouthwash?”

**Amazing artwork done by yobruh of one of the scenes:**

  


**Thank you so much, you're a really awesome person and I'm extremely flattered! Thought I might as well include it here too, although it's in the comments as well.**

**Author's Note:**

> I finished this whole thing on Thanksgiving of all days, so I guess it technically counts as a Thanksgiving special. What a perfect time to post a scat fic, am I right? Also the title is a reference to a song called Look Away by The Dear Hunter. I dunno I just think the song fits and that one lyric sounded cool, and I needed to improvise a title so there you go.


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